Sex Therapy
Are Sexual Problems Affecting Your Relationship?
Has sex with your partner fizzled out? Have you stopped talking to each other due to embarrassment about sexual performance issues? Or maybe you’re afraid that being truthful about your lack of sexual interest may lead to even greater problems or misunderstandings?
If sex with your partner has become infrequent or stopped altogether, it’s usually a sign of distress within your relationship. Rather than sharing intimacy and physical connection, maybe you’ve become emotionally disconnected and frustrated. Even if you’re able to remain cordial with each other, you likely feel as though a vital component is missing.
Difficulties With Sex May Be Leading To Other Problems
The sexual issues you’re having may be affecting other aspects of your relationship. Maybe the resentment and anger you’re feeling are causing you to have more arguments with your partner. Or maybe if you no longer find your partner physically appealing, you pick fights intentionally to maintain physical distance. Your dissatisfaction with the state of things might be leading you to seek intimacy outside the relationship.
Ongoing disagreements over the frequency, type, and intensity of sex each of you wants could be contributing to the disconnection between you. Or maybe performance anxiety or other forms of sexual dysfunction are causing shame and embarrassment. Avoidance of intimacy could be a symptom of other underlying issues in the relationship. Perhaps something is going on that you haven’t gotten to the bottom of yet.
If you’re considering counseling, you’ve probably already had conversations about the problems in your sex life but find they lack resolve or direction. In therapy, we often determine that sex isn’t the problem but merely a symptom of something else. Luckily, sex counseling for couples can help identify what’s really going on so you can restore intimacy.
Sexual Dysfunction Is Often A Symptom Of Psychological Distress
The New York Times estimates that “approximately 15 percent of couples haven’t had sex in the last six months.” And according to the National Institute of Health,” Sexual dysfunctions are highly prevalent, affecting about 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men.”
Many of us dealing with sexual dysfunction don’t realize the mind-body connection that’s at play. Oftentimes, we mistakenly think that sexual dysfunction is solely a physical problem. However, the dysfunction we experience is more commonly a psychological issue that manifests physically.
Even when we think that taking a blue pill will solve all of our problems, it’s never that simple. Although a pill addresses the biological component, most sexual dysfunction is related to our mental outlook. Conditions such as anxiety, depression, or a negative self-image can all impact our sexual performance.
Cultural And Generational Beliefs Can Cloud Our Sexuality
From a cultural perspective, we’ve come a long way since being told nonsense like “masturbation will cause hair to grow on your palms.” However, we aren’t out of the woods just yet. Misconceptions surrounding sex are still commonplace. Even today, a lot of what we’ve been taught is not supported by science.
Moreover, in many respects, our culture is paradoxical when it comes to sex. Although some may consider today’s society to be sex-obsessed, our repressed attitudes can make us hesitant to discuss sex openly and honestly. Even those of us who consider ourselves sexually liberated may still unconsciously harbor negative beliefs that cause deep shame and embarrassment, even when talking about sex with our partners.
However, sex therapy can help you get comfortable talking about sex with your partner. Once you can talk about it without shame, you can learn ways to improve your sex life
Therapy Can Help You And Your Partner Reignite Your Sex Life
Even though many couples realize they would benefit from counseling for issues such as sexual dysfunction, trauma, or lack of intimacy, many couples find it difficult to talk about sex. Rather than confront their challenges, couples often dance around the subject until it can no longer be ignored.
If you’re struggling to connect sexually, therapy offers a safe and comfortable space to find a way back to each other. Drawing from classical therapy models originated by Masters & Johnson and Kinsey Institute, sex and marriage counseling provides a non-threatening environment for you to address whatever difficulties you’re experiencing.
What To Expect In Sessions
My assessment process begins by first gathering information about each of you. After I get a better understanding of your backgrounds, historical factors, lifestyles, health status, and personalities, we will hone in on the sexual issues causing discord. Initially, we will meet together and then once individually before we regroup. Because it takes two to tango, I find it valuable to hear both sides of the story before taking action.
I provide a nonjudgmental environment for you to express your concerns as well as examine your current beliefs and judgments surrounding sex. We will establish clear and measurable treatment goals, work through specific interventions, and then routinely check in regarding your progress. Sometimes all it takes is discovering the underlying cause of your discord to relieve some of the sexual issues you’re having.
As a Clinical Sexologist with advanced training and a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, I offer specialized sexual health services. Many therapists offer sex therapy, however the vast majority of them do not have any specific advanced training or formal education. I am a Diplomate, American Board of Sexology, and have devoted four years of study to this area, and have been providing sex therapy since 2002.
The Modalities I Use
I utilize many modalities in psychosexual therapy, including the PLISSIT model, Systematic Desensitization, and Sensate Focus. With the PLISSIT model, you will first be permitted to talk about the problem and only provided with limited information so as not to overburden you with too much research. From there, I will make specific suggestions for interventions, allowing you to choose whichever ones you’re most comfortable with, as well as offer intensive treatment if necessary.
Systematic Desensitization is a method used to eliminate sex-related anxiety. By imagining potentially stressful scenarios while simultaneously learning deep muscle relaxation, your anxiety surrounding sex will gradually dissipate. By focusing attention on the pleasurable act of touching and being touched, Sensate Focus can help you rediscover the joy of sensuality without judgment or evaluation. Learning how to experience physical touch without overthinking it will reignite your sensual side.
I might also incorporate other non-sex-specific therapeutic modalities that help change negative belief systems, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Solution Focused Therapy (SFT). Each couple's issues are unique as are their response styles, so choosing a therapeutic approach will depend on your preferences.
Sweeping your issues under the rug only results in sexual problems that last longer and worsen over time. But the good news is that sex therapy can speed up their resolution and significantly reduce their effect on you. Arriving at a solution happens sooner when both partners are involved. Although transformation doesn’t happen overnight, with dedication and application you can significantly improve your sex life. Pleasure and connection are possible.
But You May Wonder If Sex Therapy Will Be A Good Fit For You…
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A lot of us fear that if anyone knew how we thought about sex, we’d be considered a freak. It’s because many of us have compartmentalized our sexuality into a deep, dark, secret place, never sharing our thoughts and feelings with anyone.
But the truth is you are not alone. After sharing their secrets in sexuality counseling, many clients are surprised to discover their problems are common. I provide a safe, nonjudgmental, and therapeutic environment for my clients. With over 20 years of providing sex therapy under my belt, I have heard it all.
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Sometimes your partner may blame all the sexual problems in the relationship on you and be resistant to counseling. Conversely, you might think your partner is the one that needs to change. Naturally, because sex involves both of you, therapy has the highest rate of success when both of you participate. Sex therapy is a dynamic process that focuses on the couple’s relationship. Therefore, finding solutions requires both of you to be willing participants.
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If you've started to look for therapeutic options to address your frustrations regarding sex, it’s clear that you’re suffering. Unfortunately, the emotional pain you’re in won't simply go away on its own. The longer problems are ignored, the more they will seep into the cracks of your relationship and cause problems in other areas. Although working with a sex therapist usually means you will confront subjects that make you or your partner uncomfortable, bringing these issues out of the shadows will ultimately benefit your relationship.
Reclaiming Intimacy And Physical Connection Can Make Your Relationship Thrive
Counseling can change how you think about sex which can transform the nature of your relationship. If you would like to find out more about the sex therapy I offer, please call 415-710-9777 or visit my contact page.
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